Gotta Get Back in Time.
Issue 200: Time Wars Part 2. 7th January 1989.
For one frozen moment, future and present are as one—timelocked together.
7th January 1989: 5 Cheshire Grove Kidderminster. The seven year old Stuart Webb is sitting on his bed having just finished reading the latest issue of his favourite action adventure comic (Transformers, if you’re struggling) when suddenly reality itself is ripped asunder, the skies turn dark and a mighty time storm deposits the 34 year old Stuart Webb into the room.
Stuart 7: Blimey, that was a bit unlikely. Who are you strange old man?
Stuart 34: It’s me, Stuart! You from the far off distant time of 2016!
Stuart 7: Wait...what...what happened to my face? Did the nuclear war finally take place?
Stuart 34: No you cheeky sod, I’m in the flush of youth! Now, pay attention, I’ve risked breaking the space time continuum to travel back and carry out a vitally important mission.
Stuart 7: Oh really, who else came back in time with you? Jimmy Hill?
Stuart 34: Stop being needlessly anachronistic, though that expression comes from the playground of the 1970’s, you won’t hear it until Fist of Fun makes a thing of it in about six years. And mentioning Lee and Herring isn’t a good idea as it might make people notice this is a thinly rewritten As It Occurs to Me sketch.
Stuart 7: OK then granddad, but hurry up with whatever you’ve got to say before your old man heart gives out. Plus Rolf’s Cartoon Club is on soon and I’d hate to miss it.
Look, Ravage can do different poses!
Stuart 34: Stop being needlessly controversial as well. I was hanging around with Peter Capaldi at the start of the week, I don’t need non famous associates like...err...me anymore. Anyway, I’ve come to tell you something vitally, vitally important. You’ve just finished reading the 200th issue of Transformers, what did you think of it?
Stuart 7: It was brilliant! Obviously as someone who has been reading the book for ages (since last September) it having reached such a big number is hugely impressive. There are a lot of references I don’t understand (why is Ravage down a hole?), but it’s so tense and dark and serious.
Stuart 34: The sad thing is, I really used to talk like this. What a popular child I was. *ahem* What I am here to tell you is, you are wrong. This is actually quite a bad issue full of illogical moments and fumbled plot points. I mean, it starts off really well, I grant you, seeing Ravage again is surprisingly well done and it’s pretty much the only side plot in the entire story that will be done proper justice. Seeing him awakened by an earthquake and jumping through a cavern trying to avoid rock falls before winding up in Galvatron’s secret base is not only an exciting opening, it connects the 200th issue to the very first character to speak back when it all began.
But, and pay attention young Stuart, the problems with the rest of the plot become apparent as soon as he meets Galvatron and Scourge. Yes, it’s nice he recognises Galvatron as Megatron by smell (much as Laserbeak did back in Target: 2006) and is thus deeply confused, and his cynical reaction to Fracas is a wry commentary on how things have changed. But what you don’t know because you haven’t read Wrecking Havoc! yet, is that Galvatron and Scourge being friends doesn’t really make any sense. Last time they were together they were trying to kill one another, so what changed? It doesn’t even get a token one line explanation.
Stuart 7: But who cares? I like Ravage, I like Scourge and I like Cyclonus. A team up between the three of them can only be a good thing. Who cares about old stories from the ancient past?
Stuart 7: It was brilliant! Obviously as someone who has been reading the book for ages (since last September) it having reached such a big number is hugely impressive. There are a lot of references I don’t understand (why is Ravage down a hole?), but it’s so tense and dark and serious.
Stuart 34: The sad thing is, I really used to talk like this. What a popular child I was. *ahem* What I am here to tell you is, you are wrong. This is actually quite a bad issue full of illogical moments and fumbled plot points. I mean, it starts off really well, I grant you, seeing Ravage again is surprisingly well done and it’s pretty much the only side plot in the entire story that will be done proper justice. Seeing him awakened by an earthquake and jumping through a cavern trying to avoid rock falls before winding up in Galvatron’s secret base is not only an exciting opening, it connects the 200th issue to the very first character to speak back when it all began.
But, and pay attention young Stuart, the problems with the rest of the plot become apparent as soon as he meets Galvatron and Scourge. Yes, it’s nice he recognises Galvatron as Megatron by smell (much as Laserbeak did back in Target: 2006) and is thus deeply confused, and his cynical reaction to Fracas is a wry commentary on how things have changed. But what you don’t know because you haven’t read Wrecking Havoc! yet, is that Galvatron and Scourge being friends doesn’t really make any sense. Last time they were together they were trying to kill one another, so what changed? It doesn’t even get a token one line explanation.
Stuart 7: But who cares? I like Ravage, I like Scourge and I like Cyclonus. A team up between the three of them can only be a good thing. Who cares about old stories from the ancient past?
Prime is ready to shot any passing pigeons going past overhead.
Stuart 34: You will in time. Now, the following Autobot shuttle scene where Optimus gives a speech establishing the need to deal with Galvatron looks as if the plot is about to go somewhere, but suddenly stops to deal with some irrelevant fallout from the last Annual. Highbrow has Scorponok’s head and his troops want it back, the fight scene between him and the other Decepticon Headmasters that ends with them getting it back and Optimus delivering a pat speech about Highbrow doing the right thing by not killing Zarak is going to go nowhere because of Highbrow’s disappearance at the end of the issue.
Also, whilst it’s nice Highbrow doesn’t want to kill Zarak, why leave him laying (unconscious?) on a rock in head mode? Why not put him in a secure cell? If the Autobots are so merciful, why not give the poor Nebulon medical aid as he’s clearly in poor shape stuck like that?
Stuart 7: That’s just nit-picking. I don’t know exactly what happened in the Annual, but I have the Highbrow toy so seeing him is cool, and he slaps Snapdragon in the face with a head. What more do you want from a story?
Stuart 34: Narrative logic! I’m much bigger on that these days. Amidst all this we also cut to the Autobot Advance Surveillance Unit, as they’re stuck in the wilderness waiting for backup. This is mostly set up for the following issue and doesn’t really make any sense as they’ve already been in contact with Prime’s group, so why aren’t they attending the big important meeting rather than having their findings reported second hand? We also get Ravage being surprised by the offer to rule what is left of the world from Galvatron. But that’s minor stuff compared to the big finale...
Also, whilst it’s nice Highbrow doesn’t want to kill Zarak, why leave him laying (unconscious?) on a rock in head mode? Why not put him in a secure cell? If the Autobots are so merciful, why not give the poor Nebulon medical aid as he’s clearly in poor shape stuck like that?
Stuart 7: That’s just nit-picking. I don’t know exactly what happened in the Annual, but I have the Highbrow toy so seeing him is cool, and he slaps Snapdragon in the face with a head. What more do you want from a story?
Stuart 34: Narrative logic! I’m much bigger on that these days. Amidst all this we also cut to the Autobot Advance Surveillance Unit, as they’re stuck in the wilderness waiting for backup. This is mostly set up for the following issue and doesn’t really make any sense as they’ve already been in contact with Prime’s group, so why aren’t they attending the big important meeting rather than having their findings reported second hand? We also get Ravage being surprised by the offer to rule what is left of the world from Galvatron. But that’s minor stuff compared to the big finale...
Highbrow humour.
Stuart 7: Oh, I really like the way scene changes are accompanied by one panel “Interludes” set in 2009 showing the future Autobots preparing to use their time machine. That builds up the tension nicely.
Stuart 34: Well, you had to be right about something. The final two pages sees the future Autobots arrive in 1989, and as per tradition an equal number of their counterparts are mass displaced (the narration claims part of the problem is Rodimus and Optimus being past and future versions of themselves, that’s a thing which doesn’t make sense I’ll talk about later in the story). Now, as the future Autobots include Kup and Blurr—who are with the 1989 Autobots as well—plus well known visitor to the planet Ultra Magnus and a guy who looks exactly like Hot Rod (if the past and future selves being in the same place at the same time things screws causality, we’re fucked), you’d expect them to be recognised by Fortress Maximus and the others. And as the 1989 Autobots include characters like Ironhide who were there for Target: 2006, you’d expect a quick and rapid team up.
No, suddenly we’re reminded that the Autobots without Optimus Prime are useless in every way as Maximus randomly decides the new guys—including people who’ve served on the Steelhaven with him—are imposters who killed Optimus and the others and they must die. It’s an appallingly thought through bit of padding that makes no sense and to makes matters worse is rather obviously inspired by what Budiansky is going to do with the Decepticons in the next American story. Only it will work better there.
Stuart 7: You’re over thinking it. Autobot Vs Autobot! How amazing an idea is that? And are Hot Rod, Kup and Blurr with the present day Autobots? I’ve not seen them yet so that doesn’t bother me. The guy who wrote the Facts booklet obviously didn’t know either as he calls Blurr a “Future” Autobot. And what’s a Budiansky?
Stuart 34: Well, you had to be right about something. The final two pages sees the future Autobots arrive in 1989, and as per tradition an equal number of their counterparts are mass displaced (the narration claims part of the problem is Rodimus and Optimus being past and future versions of themselves, that’s a thing which doesn’t make sense I’ll talk about later in the story). Now, as the future Autobots include Kup and Blurr—who are with the 1989 Autobots as well—plus well known visitor to the planet Ultra Magnus and a guy who looks exactly like Hot Rod (if the past and future selves being in the same place at the same time things screws causality, we’re fucked), you’d expect them to be recognised by Fortress Maximus and the others. And as the 1989 Autobots include characters like Ironhide who were there for Target: 2006, you’d expect a quick and rapid team up.
No, suddenly we’re reminded that the Autobots without Optimus Prime are useless in every way as Maximus randomly decides the new guys—including people who’ve served on the Steelhaven with him—are imposters who killed Optimus and the others and they must die. It’s an appallingly thought through bit of padding that makes no sense and to makes matters worse is rather obviously inspired by what Budiansky is going to do with the Decepticons in the next American story. Only it will work better there.
Stuart 7: You’re over thinking it. Autobot Vs Autobot! How amazing an idea is that? And are Hot Rod, Kup and Blurr with the present day Autobots? I’ve not seen them yet so that doesn’t bother me. The guy who wrote the Facts booklet obviously didn’t know either as he calls Blurr a “Future” Autobot. And what’s a Budiansky?
Fortress Maximus actually has no idea who Hot Rod is.
Stuart 34: This is one of the worst moments the comic has yet done!
Stuart 7: This is one of the best moments the comic has yet done!
Stuart 34: Idiot. Let’s talk about the art then. I’d say Robin Smith does a solid job, but the overuse of character models is very obvious—Ravage has the same pose about 50 times in the first two pages!—with Grimlock waving his gun about during Optimus’ speech just because that’s how he stands in his Universe profile being especially silly.
Stuart 7: Well, unsurprisingly I love it. Nice and dramatic and how different is Ravage going to look every time he jumps anyway?
Stuart 34: I’m sure you’re just being contrary now. As for the rest of the comic, pleasingly the whole issue is back on the higher quality paper and we get a lovely Lee Sullivan wraparound cover. I’d actually never noticed before this reread that Galvatron has Megatron’s shadow on the back cover, a lovely touch.
Stuart 7: Ha, I hadn’t noticed that! Wait, is this a paradox?
Stuart 7: This is one of the best moments the comic has yet done!
Stuart 34: Idiot. Let’s talk about the art then. I’d say Robin Smith does a solid job, but the overuse of character models is very obvious—Ravage has the same pose about 50 times in the first two pages!—with Grimlock waving his gun about during Optimus’ speech just because that’s how he stands in his Universe profile being especially silly.
Stuart 7: Well, unsurprisingly I love it. Nice and dramatic and how different is Ravage going to look every time he jumps anyway?
Stuart 34: I’m sure you’re just being contrary now. As for the rest of the comic, pleasingly the whole issue is back on the higher quality paper and we get a lovely Lee Sullivan wraparound cover. I’d actually never noticed before this reread that Galvatron has Megatron’s shadow on the back cover, a lovely touch.
Stuart 7: Ha, I hadn’t noticed that! Wait, is this a paradox?
The Dan Reed illustration I can't place.
Stuart 34: Just ignore it. Transformation is understandably excited about the celebrations, even if an unfortunate error means the end of the sentence covering the free gifts gets cut off. Speaking of which, with no Action Force or Dread Tidings, there’s a lot of bonus content here. We open with A Pictorial History of the Transformers!, recapping the basics of the backstory with imagery that mostly isn’t as old as you’d think thanks to Cold Comfort and Joy! having just covered most of this, with Altered Images! helping by providing the creation of Galvatron. Other sources include a Geoff Senior Shockwave; the covers introducing the Headmasters and Pretenders and a Dan Reed panel of Optimus holding a pad I can’t place (though it must be from a forthcoming issue as he hasn’t had chance to draw Powermaster Prime yet).
Stuart 7: Wait... this all wasn’t especially drawn? That feels a cheat somehow.
Stuart 34: We also get a new regular feature, as Geoff Senior’s cover from way back in issue 117 is recoloured and repurposed as the first Classics Covers Calendar, if memory serves this won’t be a very popular feature and it’s easy to see why considering having a January calendar a week into the month feels somewhat pointless.
Stuart 7: But it looks really cool! Really, do you not like anything?
Stuart 34: I like the special full page Combat Colin in Robo-Capers! crossover, that sees King No-Nose (which oddly is I think the first time he’ been named on panel) and the scientist unleashing another robot to take over the Earth, only for Steve to accidentally destroy it without either he or Colin noticing as he accidentally hits the wrong levers whilst messing about in the Combat Tank. It’s very much a Colin story first and foremost and as the aliens fly off it’s with a “Goodbye for good!” banner flapping behind their UFO. It’s a nice story though and it’s good to see Colin and Steve get recognition from the Queen at the end, even if they’ve no idea why.
Stuart 7: Wait... this all wasn’t especially drawn? That feels a cheat somehow.
Stuart 34: We also get a new regular feature, as Geoff Senior’s cover from way back in issue 117 is recoloured and repurposed as the first Classics Covers Calendar, if memory serves this won’t be a very popular feature and it’s easy to see why considering having a January calendar a week into the month feels somewhat pointless.
Stuart 7: But it looks really cool! Really, do you not like anything?
Stuart 34: I like the special full page Combat Colin in Robo-Capers! crossover, that sees King No-Nose (which oddly is I think the first time he’ been named on panel) and the scientist unleashing another robot to take over the Earth, only for Steve to accidentally destroy it without either he or Colin noticing as he accidentally hits the wrong levers whilst messing about in the Combat Tank. It’s very much a Colin story first and foremost and as the aliens fly off it’s with a “Goodbye for good!” banner flapping behind their UFO. It’s a nice story though and it’s good to see Colin and Steve get recognition from the Queen at the end, even if they’ve no idea why.
Springer's very angry at the name "Microbots".
For a 200th issue competition, Hasbro has given 200 “Microbots” (I wonder when “Micromasters” will become the standard? It’s used for both Autobots and Decepticons here) by answering questions based on the history of the book. As it promises 200 winners and the Microbots only come in packs of four that’s actually 800 toys to be won.
Stuart 7: I’m so going to enter this...
Stuart 34: No! Under no circumstances damage any part of any issue. It’ll only end in tears when you have to spend more money rebuying the whole series as an adult. Watch out when you’re eating your porridge in about four months as well.
The most memorable free gift though is Transformers: The Facts, a cover mounted booklet containing various bits of trivia. This includes the most frequent questions to the letters page, where the most interesting bit of new info is Rack’N’Ruin used to be two robots before being joined by a life saving operation. There’s also a potted recap of the Primus origin story.
The meat of the booklet is two separate features. The first is the Transformers Book of Records, telling us the strongest (Grimlock, relative to his size); tallest (Metroplex); fastest (“Future Autobot” Blurr) and deadliest (Galvatron, with the proviso he’d be a contender in every category except tallest. And he’d probably give it a go). This will result in a lot of “But...” letters.
The most exciting thing though is a chance to meet the artists as Jeff Anderson; Stephen Baskerville; Barry Kitson (odd choice as he’s been absent for so long); Dan Reed (with a dig at his bendy robots); Geoff Senior; Robin Smith (seemingly a broken man after having to drawn so many robots in this issue); Lee Sullivan and Andy Wildman (with the prophetic promise he’ll be around for a long time) all contributing self portraits and brief biographies. Geoff Senior looks exactly like a Geoff Senior drawing in real life so he probably gets the best likeness, but Jeff Anderson cosplaying as Galvatron is just adorable.
Stuart 7: I’m so going to enter this...
Stuart 34: No! Under no circumstances damage any part of any issue. It’ll only end in tears when you have to spend more money rebuying the whole series as an adult. Watch out when you’re eating your porridge in about four months as well.
The most memorable free gift though is Transformers: The Facts, a cover mounted booklet containing various bits of trivia. This includes the most frequent questions to the letters page, where the most interesting bit of new info is Rack’N’Ruin used to be two robots before being joined by a life saving operation. There’s also a potted recap of the Primus origin story.
The meat of the booklet is two separate features. The first is the Transformers Book of Records, telling us the strongest (Grimlock, relative to his size); tallest (Metroplex); fastest (“Future Autobot” Blurr) and deadliest (Galvatron, with the proviso he’d be a contender in every category except tallest. And he’d probably give it a go). This will result in a lot of “But...” letters.
The most exciting thing though is a chance to meet the artists as Jeff Anderson; Stephen Baskerville; Barry Kitson (odd choice as he’s been absent for so long); Dan Reed (with a dig at his bendy robots); Geoff Senior; Robin Smith (seemingly a broken man after having to drawn so many robots in this issue); Lee Sullivan and Andy Wildman (with the prophetic promise he’ll be around for a long time) all contributing self portraits and brief biographies. Geoff Senior looks exactly like a Geoff Senior drawing in real life so he probably gets the best likeness, but Jeff Anderson cosplaying as Galvatron is just adorable.
Front cover of the Facts booklet.
It’s also impressively humble Furman doesn’t include a profile of himself to accompany the artists.
As with the pictorial piece, everything except the self portraits and the back cover illustration of Megatron smashing through a wall (“The fact is I hate Autobots!”) are reused imagery. Though this is the first time readers will have seen the cover of the 1989 Annual, again showing how far in advance those are worked on.
Stuart 7: I’ve really no opinion on this, my copy didn’t come with it.
Stuart 34: True, you won’t see it till you find scans on the internet as an adult.
Anyway, having now listened to my very carefully constructed argument, can you now see how bad this issue actually is, so that when you come to write about it on the internet in 2016 you can always have been right about it?
Stuart 7: I think you’ve forgotten what you loved about this book when you were me, and maybe if you placed yourself in the mind-set of your seven year old self you’d not be so cynical about what is first and foremost a comic for seven year old children rather than men in late middle age.
Stuart 34: Early middle age! What a futile exercise this has been.
Stuart 7: And something of a waste of the gift of time travel. Did you really have nothing better to do with this technology?
Stuart 34: Yes, yes I do, here, take this bunch of comics!
Stuart 7: Transformers: More Than Meets the Eye? They still do Transformers comics in the future? Great! But why has the numbering changed? 50 issues is less impressive than 200.
As with the pictorial piece, everything except the self portraits and the back cover illustration of Megatron smashing through a wall (“The fact is I hate Autobots!”) are reused imagery. Though this is the first time readers will have seen the cover of the 1989 Annual, again showing how far in advance those are worked on.
Stuart 7: I’ve really no opinion on this, my copy didn’t come with it.
Stuart 34: True, you won’t see it till you find scans on the internet as an adult.
Anyway, having now listened to my very carefully constructed argument, can you now see how bad this issue actually is, so that when you come to write about it on the internet in 2016 you can always have been right about it?
Stuart 7: I think you’ve forgotten what you loved about this book when you were me, and maybe if you placed yourself in the mind-set of your seven year old self you’d not be so cynical about what is first and foremost a comic for seven year old children rather than men in late middle age.
Stuart 34: Early middle age! What a futile exercise this has been.
Stuart 7: And something of a waste of the gift of time travel. Did you really have nothing better to do with this technology?
Stuart 34: Yes, yes I do, here, take this bunch of comics!
Stuart 7: Transformers: More Than Meets the Eye? They still do Transformers comics in the future? Great! But why has the numbering changed? 50 issues is less impressive than 200.
Hitch is well represented with reused panels in this issue despite not making the artist profiles!
Stuart 34: Don’t worry about that, this is the most critically regarded Transformers comic ever produced and it’s by someone who started off like you (albeit James Roberts didn’t write fanfic in crayon, instead Eugenesis is an insanely oversized proper book)!
Stuart 7: Wow, so it must be wall to wall fights then?
Stuart 34: Well... no. You know Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, right?
Stuart 7: Yes, I’m the only seven year old in the country who listens to late night repeats of 1970’s comedy on Radio 4.
Stuart 34: Yeah, sorry about that, it’s going to make you a pretentious tit. Anyway, it’s like that mixed with that new BBC2 sitcom Red Dwarf but with robot love triangles thrown in.
Stuart 7: Love triangles? Sounds a bit gay.
Stuart 34: Stop with the controversy! Anyway, people love it. So just copy down what it says inside each issue and send it into IDW in 2010!...
Suddenly the mighty time storm reappears, consuming the room.
Stuart 34: Ah bugger, I’m about to get sucked off back to the future! Do as I say and you’ll go on to be really venerated by all Transformers fans! And in 2016 some of them are girls! Fame and fortune will be yoooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Older Stuart is sucked off back to the future. The younger cheerfully puts the pile of comics into the bin.
Stuart 7: What a Cnut. Still, Eugenesis is a funny word, I wonder what that means...?
ISSUE 199
1989
COMMENT
Stuart 7: Wow, so it must be wall to wall fights then?
Stuart 34: Well... no. You know Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, right?
Stuart 7: Yes, I’m the only seven year old in the country who listens to late night repeats of 1970’s comedy on Radio 4.
Stuart 34: Yeah, sorry about that, it’s going to make you a pretentious tit. Anyway, it’s like that mixed with that new BBC2 sitcom Red Dwarf but with robot love triangles thrown in.
Stuart 7: Love triangles? Sounds a bit gay.
Stuart 34: Stop with the controversy! Anyway, people love it. So just copy down what it says inside each issue and send it into IDW in 2010!...
Suddenly the mighty time storm reappears, consuming the room.
Stuart 34: Ah bugger, I’m about to get sucked off back to the future! Do as I say and you’ll go on to be really venerated by all Transformers fans! And in 2016 some of them are girls! Fame and fortune will be yoooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Older Stuart is sucked off back to the future. The younger cheerfully puts the pile of comics into the bin.
Stuart 7: What a Cnut. Still, Eugenesis is a funny word, I wonder what that means...?
ISSUE 199
1989
COMMENT
The Facts back cover. Nicely juxtaposed with the link to a book by an author who has probably written the most nuanced Megs of all.
